Dear Journal,

The most amazing thing in my life has happened, and I am in the midst of so much. I wanted you to know, because this is so important that I want it to be a permanent part of my history - and future. I've never felt this way so deeply before, and it's a mix of amazing beauty and soul sinking despair. It's worth it if I end up with her.

I am in love. Completely, totally, utterly, joyously in love. Her name is Gina. She teaches dance and was a professional dancer, number 7 in the country. She is a breast cancer survivor. She is Awesome. She does not know how strongly I feel of course and I won't come on that strong to begin with. I've already made some pretty large blunders but she's forgiven those.

I met her at Italian Village a few weeks ago after getting off of work. She was there with her friend and roommate (and now my friend) Mike. I thought they were a couple, and I had ordered a big pizza. I wasn't sure why I wanted that big of one, it just felt right. Maybe to take to work but I somehow don't think so. We ended up talking for a while and they took some, and then a bit more. They invited me over to sit and Mike made it clear they weren't a couple, and she was single and new to Chicago. She moved 2 weeks ago from Indianapolis and she is the most beautiful woman I have ever met, or seen. Her eyes are amazing, bright, deep brown. She smiles and it makes me melt, it just lights me up and feel amazing. She has lovely features, perfect lips, pale white skin like no other. Incredibly perfect body, medium to small breasts (I mean perfect), she is very much in shape and has these clean, lovely, painting worthy curves that set my heart rate going a million times faster than normal. Her voice is so melodic, her moves so graceful. She is everything that is beautiful. Everything. I was so nervous but Mike excused himself to the bathroom and I asked her if she would like to join me for dinner one night. I squirmed. It was the hardest thing I think I've ever done, I was expecting her to say no. Instead...she said yes. And it felt amazing. She chose Greek food for the next Sunday. We exchanged numbers and I called her the next day.

A few days later I ended up going out with Mike and coming home with him to crash on the couch since he was gracious enough to offer. She lives there for the next few months and she came home, and knew I was there. We had wine and talked for hours. It went great. I called in sick the next day and we spent time at the tea place, and at Italian Village again. I told her she was the most beautiful woman in the world and meant it. I was told later that was a bad idea because it put her on a pedestal, but I just had to say it. It's the truth.

Sunday came finally and I was so excited. I picked her up in the lobby of Mike's building and we went to Venus, a nice Greek place in Greektown. We had Saganaki and all sorts of great food. Mike and his g/f wanted to come by at the end of the night and join us. We said ok and they ended up arguing, him and his g/f. Made things uncomfy. We drove them to her place and went back to the condo where I was going to spend the eve since Mike suggested it. Gina and I were having tea and talking for hours while I worked on her computer. Deep, meaningful conversation. They ended up coming home because of some water main issue. I didnt feel ok with sleeping around Trish since I didnt know her, and I was going back and forth wondering what to do. Finally I knocked on Ginas door and she offered for me to sleep with her in her room but she looked uncomfy. I said I would, but I wanted her to be comfortable so i would sleep on the couch. During our date she agreed to join me for another date, this one on Thursday. I said for her to choose anywhere she liked but I ended up deciding on a nice Italian place. We both agreed to keep it between us.

A few days later, so excited about my date...I got drunk. Totally  out of control drunk. I said awful things to her. I woke up to her text saying she wouldn't contact me back. I thought I was going to die. At that moment...my world ended. Blew up, and my soul lost a chunk of itself, screaming in rage and despair. A black pit of self hatred and profound grief, remorse and a desire to apologize I felt. I thought I lost her. I texted her right away. Then I called and left a message on her voicemail. And then a miracle occurred. It really happened, they do happen, I experienced it firsthand. She said it was ok, that I was drunk and pretty much dont do it again. I cant describe how awesome I felt and special. She said our dinner was still on. It was incredible!

Last night we went out for our second date. Mike found out about it and wanted to sit at the bar and chill, try and meet women. Instead he kept bugging us (goodheartedly, more me than her) and finally went to go to a place nearby to try. We had a very nice dinner that was mostly positive but I did unfortunately cause a little drama which Gina hates, and made a little gloom. We discussed relationships, dating, commitment, and sex a little bit too. It was a lot of fun though and the most amazing thing happened again, she said she wanted to try one more time, just the two of us, no drama, just light and fun in a nutshell. Maybe Ballet and a pub. I said she deserved better than a pub but would try to do ballet, and that I would just stay at a hotel that night. She said she wasn't sure how she felt about me, whether I will be her friend or otherwise. She said she had a lot of fun and was looking forward to Saturday night, when we meet without Mike knowing. She gave me a hug in the car and told me about her friend who said is single (which scared me as a warning sign) that is needing a roommate. We discussed it and I had the cab take her home, and drove me to the Clark and Lake train station. When I got home I sent her an email saying that I had fun and was looking forward to Saturday, etc. Sent a few funny texts or not so when i was buzzed, stupid me again. I havent heard back from her, but I will make plans and show her a great time. I swear it!

So I am worried I will end up as just a friend. I want more than anything, with all my heart, mind, body and soul, all that I am and ever will be, to have her fall in love with me. To spend the rest of my life with this beautiful dancer. To have children, a happy home, success and love with a long life. I know she is my One. I want so badly for this date to go well and her to see me in a romantic light. That we can cross the gap and finally kiss, and express out affection physically. To have her join me for an evening in my room after, and spend an amazing night together. I love her. Please, Great Goddess and God, Lord Ganesha and Lord Krishna, please make this happen. I will do anything to have her. I will always love and treat her well. The page is blank from here, but I wish to fill it with love and her happiness. Our happiness.

Wishing for her,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Now I only write when I'm depressed or worried I guess. Well, I always had good intentions. The road to Hell is said to be paved with them. And that is where I will soon be if a miracle doesn't happen. I will end up committing seppuku and erase my inkblot life from the pages of time. I'm so scared, and I feel like a blade of ice is running through me.

I've been sick the last few days, very ill. Bedridden most of it. Even now after dinner, I just retreated to my room to hide. I'm feeling better *knock on wood* physically. My eye is still black and purple from my idiocy. I've been finding out how poorly I have been doing at work, making mistakes. I didn't think it was a big deal. Now, between that and me being gone, I have no more chances to redeem myself. I can't make any more mistakes. The weight of that is crushing me. I made a checklist for every day and I will just have to shine like an ever burning fireball. Restore my honour and keep my job. Because this isn't just a job. It was my last chance at life and making it. I have to do this right, to the t and not fail again even in a minor way. I will be getting up at 6:30 every morning to go to work. I'm so close to getting a place, and my failure here is threatening to wreck that future home like falling Jenga blocks. I just want to succeed. Goddess and God Help me, I'm so afraid.

I don't know what else to say. I need to think. Organize my head. Going to have a drink and go to sleep soon. Snowstorm is coming tomorrow.

Hollow,
Chris

Dear Journal,

I know it's been a while. I am sorry, and since you are me, I know you understand and agree. My soul bleeds. Copiously. My stepdad (who I see as my real Dad) called me tonight. My boss, Brian was apparently unhappy with the amount of work I got done over the weekend. And I know now I will not be working weekends anymore. I am humiliated, dishonored and sad. I deserve to die. I should commit seppuku. I knew I was worthless, and yeah, I was slower than usual but he expected at least 1 and 1 half times what I did. I hate myself. I am a failure, an ugly fuckup loser, a nobody. In other news, Grand Loser (me) gets his paychecks garnished for child support. Because you know, I wasn't enough of a blight on humanity, a sad sack of shit and a poor fuckup before that. I'm getting brave. Maybe I am ready to die.

It's clear Marta doesn't have any romantic feelings for me, and who can blame her. She has a b/f, everything she wants and my odious presence is probably tolerated at best. I am going to read before I decide to take all my sleeping pills, and never awaken. Such is life. Some people are good, hard working, intelligent, blessed individuals. I am sarcastic, infectious human waste.

Chris

Dear Journal,

What an emotionally tiring day. I just got an email response from Fred saying that he will be able to confirm my full time status tomorrow. I'm now very nervous. Just sent Gina a Happy Thanksgiving email. Made me sad too but it was a nice one. I don't want to be forgotten. I love her so much and I will never be able to get her back. My soul bleeds.

I am having a radical change in thinking. I was considering an escort service, like an in-call before I move, and an out call when I get established in my own place. I've never seriously considered it before, and it makes me all nervous and excited in a good way. It might help my lonliness and need for sex. As you know I'm not all that great with the ladies, but I am a kind person and a good man. It excites me to think that I could have my pick, and ethnicity. So I will start looking into that, you never know, it could be just what I need.

I'm thinking a lot today. I feel really distant from everything. I'm also pretty tired. No vodka tonight. Sake and some beer I think. Will get over this slump, I know it. Thank you for listening. I'm in a really peaceful place at the top floor of the library. It has fans running and oh man it's nice. I love background noise. Going to go read for a bit and go on home. Thank you for being here, writing helps. It's supposed to be therapeutic to write to you like a person.

Sleepy,
Chris

Dear Journal,

I failed last night. Coming home from work walking towards the store I stopped in and bought a half pint of vodka. I couldn't help myself. I thought I was going to be fine and that I could do it but it turns out my weakness got the best of me. To make matters worse, I sent Maggie a heart on Facebook. She probably, undoubtedly knows I have feelings for her. So I can kiss that goodbye, one more possibility ruined by alcohol. I also took out money from the bank today to pay for more alcohol to "get me through" until payday. This has to stop. I can't get an overdraft fee, or have my check, worse case, bounce. Add to that my returning my headphones to finance this insanity. I hate myself sometimes, now being one of those times.

I could always fight it. Have my drink tonight and enjoy Thanksgiving tomorrow, have a sleeping pill or two when I get home. Take the weekend to detox. Put $10 in the bank after I return my headphones. I don't know why this is so hard. It should be dead simple, don't drink in excess. It isn't. I'm embarrassed that this is happening to me, and that I go to the store for alcohol all the fucking time to the point where even the people that work there make comments. It hurts my feelings. I feel ashamed. Brb. Sitting next to someone that I just don't like, and I don't even know them. To think of things rationally, it should be no big deal. Don't drink a lot, end of story. Everything in moderation. I hate this. I shall overcome, I have to.

I have positive news, though. I am starting full time Monday it looks like. At work they are doing a conference call to iron out the details of the contract since it seems things are changing. Fred is going to be a part of it so I'm not too worried. I just want to save up and move out. There are times I think ok, I can stay here for a bit more and save, and other times where I feel like I need to escape. I can only pray and hope for the best. Will write more later. There's some annoying asshole making noise here. Whats with people today?

Dear Journal,

I'm very sorry about not writing for a few days. It's been really tough on me, but good in some ways. A lot has happened, so this may be all over the place, so bear with me. It's good to be writing again.

I got my 32GB ipod touch. My grandma bought it for me and I am paying her back $50-$75 at a time. It made more sense than spending all of that money all at once. I am grateful for the help and will not forget it. I am still tweaking it, but it's finally jailbroken as of yesterday, and today I got the Sega Genesis emulator to work. I like it, but it looks like the less controller intensive games will work better.

I am doing really well at work (knock on wood) and am really enjoying myself. Brian said the big client will start the claims either tomorrow or Monday at the latest. That means full time! I also got a raise from $26k a year to $27k, which is awesome. After tax, it's at least 2k a month. More than enough to live on, save up and get the hell out of where I'm living. Have my own place and love every second of it. I'm unsure of whether or not to move January 2nd, or stay another month at my grandparents and move with a few extra thousand in the bank. While the money is awfully tempting, having the basics for a month or two in exchange for freedom doesn't sound too bad either. I will be able to save 600 or more a month at any rate on my own. I know I always say this, but need to make a list, a new one for everything and start from scratch with a budget and groceries. Make priorities and good plans, and stick to them.

My other news is I've decided to stop drinking in excess. Enough alcoholism. I'm tired of not being in control. I will not have another night where I black out, and worry about what I did, or said to someone. I can't let this ruin my life or my health. I am going to use sleeping pills to take the edge off and allow me to rest. I get cravings at night, and the alcohol knocks me out. I'm only up for 2 hours at the most. I don't sleep right and haven't in months because of my addiction. This way, I can very easily taper off how much I drink. I will have some sake tonight and just get a full nights sleep and not wake up every 2 hours to go pee. There's so many positives to this. I won't be throwing away money all the time, it will save me a huge amount of money in a years time. My body will become stronger and healthier. My mind will be sharper and more focused, and not a slave anymore. I will be able to sleep and dream well. I won't have to worry about alcohol on my breath or spending a lot of money on chasers or tic-tacs. I won't have to hide (while I'm at my grandparents) bottles in my bag and be ashamed of throwing them away sneakily in public. I will be proud of myself, because I can and will do this. When I drink from now on, it will be just reasonable amounts of the good stuff. I love sake and when I move that will be what I drink, and good beer. Never in excess. I feel better already. I'm tired of being tired and the recent hangovers. I absolutely hate the almost throwing up during the act of drinking vodka. Disgusting. Tonight's the night I get my life back. I have faith in the Gods and the Goddess. :)

That's pretty much my news. Thanksgiving is Thursday and that will be wonderful at my mom and dad's. She makes the best Thanksgiving dinners ever. It's been years. I'm going to go home in an hour or so, but will keep writing regularly again, it is my promise. Thank you for listening, my silent friend.

Peaceful,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Today went really quick at work like I thought it would. They had a fire drill, and the scanner was acting up a bit. I saved my settings in case it ever goes wonky again and decides to reset. Tomorrow should be very quick too. I'm glad I get paid, I can only hope my check is in the bank with direct deposit tonight @ 12:01. After that, I'm looking forward to the increased work flow on Monday. Very excited to be full time, you have no idea. Tomorrow I will be able to see how much they take out of taxes from my check and will be able to plan my finances to the dollar nearly. Also will plan for contingencies! Tomorrow begins the chapter where I always have money, for spending and savings. Always.

I'm downloading the Twilight movie. The new one, New Moon comes out at Midnight tonight (ooh, just thought of the significance of the symbolism with that and my check) and I am going to go see it tomorrow. I found my free movie pass that I'd lost this morning, just laying on the floor when I moved my books. Marta who I work with asked if I was going to see it and gave me the idea. I'm excited about it, that's for sure. I have a strong history with vampirism, both spiritually and in fiction. I'm always a bit late to get into things that are popular. I guess I like to test the waters first. It is my strong hope that the download will be complete by the time I go to bed, have my drink and relax, watching Twilight. I also have Hunt for Red October done downloading, so lots of good stuff ahead.

Baba gave me a ton of stuff last night for when I move. Ends up saving me a massive amount of money. I'm not worried at all about my moving in expenses now, it'll be about $130. Tomorrow I will pay her back the $50 and have that off my mind. Rest gets saved except for a very tiny bit for drinks. I am grateful Gunda gave me $5 this morning so everything will run smoothly until tomorrow. I have for my apartment a wooden kitchen table w/ a chair & cushion, a dinnerware set (plates, bowls, etc), a flatware set, a steak knife set, a frying pan, a floor lamp, my comforter, pillows, a sheet set, and a few blankets, along with a few ziploc containers. My parents are giving me a tv and a tv stand which will come in very handy. All in all, that looks great. Will ask for an airbed for Christmas and if I get money it will go towards my home. I will be able to get an ipod touch at this rate. Very excited about moving. Will probably end up having to go with a co-pay company to sign for me so I can get a place, which has a monthly fee plus a percentage, but it's worth the sacrifice. I will feel so much better tomorrow when I get paid and know where I stand financially.

Going to go look at posters online and decor for my place. Doing a very basic setup. I'll just be happy to be out on my own and proud of my accomplishments. I will be comfy at work by that point and not have to worry. Made a nice simple grocery list. Will write later and looking forward to that too!

Thinking,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Mornings come and go. Today's went quicker than normal, I went to work early intending to relax for a few and get online, but Brian had me start since the claims came in, which was cool. There were only 200 something, and it took me an hour total with everything I had to do. He said he changed my hours a bit which is really nice of him. It's extra money in the bank. Fred said he would talk with him about 2 hours a day minimum until next week. I'm not at all worried about it. It will be this way until Monday when I'm full time. Then the true fun begins, working hard, being proud of myself, saving those dollars and getting out of the house. Then getting my own apartment. It's a noble and worthy goal, and I shall succeed.

I really want an ipod touch. I do not know exactly why it seems so important, but somehow it is. I guess I want it for a few reasons, which I will try and muddle through here to find understanding. Last night I fell asleep to the ambient music station on itunes. It was nice except for the lyric parts. Need to find a meditation music station that fits my needs. No commercials, no vocals. Just atmospheric, ethereal tunes.

With my ipod touch, I would be able to listen to online radio while I sleep, and not be constantly woken up. That stupid fan always clicks and drives me nuts. It would help while I am at my grandparents to minimize the awful noise in the morning. I am not a morning person, and I do NOT like my rest disturbed, at all. It gives me bad thoughts and makes me angry. Mornings at my own pace are more than fine. But dealing with someone else's routine in the morning, oh no, doesn't work for me. When I get my own place, I won't have to use noise canceling headphones while I rest, I will simply let it play via the speakers or a dock.

The other feature I really like is the emulators for old games once you jailbreak it. NES, SNES, MAME, PSX, you name it, it probably has it. Would be able to play Zelda and all my favorite games when I'm on the train or at break, which is really cool. Always wanted to have a pocket emulator. I am excited about being able to build a massive collection of music, and the genius feature is just slick. It also can hold videos, so I can download and put my favorite TV shows or movies to watch on the go. Or relaxing in the tub when I get my own place. Hiding under my robe relaxing. The sky's the limit. It also has internet :). Very cool once I get my wireless.

So I'm not exactly sure if I should buy it with my 2nd paycheck. I know I should be saving but it would make my last month there go by much more smoothly. With me not drinking coming up (I've been great about that lately, cutting down the last 2 nights), it helps pay for it, along with the more efficient list I set up for moving. If not, yeah I can wait until after I move out, but I guess I'm looking to treat myself. I will think about it more.

Beyond that, I'm just relaxing at the Harold Washington Library. Not much to do but wait for my Marvel Encyclopedia to finish downloading which will only be a few min more. Have to make my first month's grocery list and what I'm going to eat. Add my microwave to my other list which I forgot. Will write later as time permits, otherwise tomorrow for sure.

Thinking,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Today was a productive day in a lot of ways. Still far from over, but I've learned a lot, planned a lot and am making progress towards the Great Goal, moving out. I worked for about 2 hours today. I did about 600 claims and printed a few files for Dr. Horowitz. We went to lunch and talked for quite a while, it was nice of him to take me out. Very kind as always. He thinks that January 1st is a reasonable goal for moving out. I think it is too. I am grateful for where I am, but I am at the point where I need to be in my own space, controlling my own life. Baba doesn't want me to move until the spring, and I doubt even then she would want me to. While I appreciate the sentiment, we all know my anxiety and stress level is going through the roof.

I think part of it is that I don't have any control over my home life. I answer to people that are mentally unbalanced. Angry often, arguing all the time and my grandmother's Parkinson's are very hard to deal with. Maybe for most people it wouldn't be a big deal, but to me, it is. When you have anxiety and depression like I do it's so hard to even be able to cope in the mornings, let alone be around constant stress. It's one reason I love my job, absolutely love it. I'm able to get out of the house and escape. It will be even better next week when I get full time :: knock on wood ::, because I will be gone 8-7 nearly, since my schedule is 10-6. That means the only interaction I really have with them is a few minutes in the morning, and a few hours at night watching TV before bed, which is neutral. Weekends are mine to apartment hunt or make some excuse to be away. I no longer have to eat their terrible food, except on weekends. I don't get hassled about breakfast since I supposedly have it at work (although I do have coffee) nor dinner which I will have out here. It's a great way to start the transition towards being independent and mentally prepping them for not having me around much. Can't wait. This week I've already started, stating (Fred's idea) that I'm studying for my HIPAA training, so I get home around 6pm.

Fred is going to ask my mom if it's ok to contact Stephen or Howard about an apartment since they both own buildings. He isn't a fan of mixing business with pleasure (after all they are family without the bloodline). But who knows, it could work out beautifully and I could have a really nice place. I have a viewing lined up this Saturday between 10-2 for a lovely place by the lake. It's a studio, and I would have to bring along my pay stub and $40 cash to apply. There's just a Rent is only $655. Not a bad deal if utilities are included, so we shall see. It's going to be a lot of planning and coordination with all this. Fred said once I get full time, he will help me find a place. Thank the Gods it's right around the corner.

I'm going to go plan a bit more and work on a final move-in list. Not much else I can do. Doing well on the drinking, think tonight maybe a beer or just get sleeping pills. I could seriously use the rest, and no more booze saves me a ton of money.

Weary and a Little Dreary,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Today has been a good day. I feel mixed, but elated. Very happy, slightly nervous, but it's all going to be okay. This may be a little jumbled since I'm going to do my budget on it as well, or at least part of it. So, where to begin.

It's official, on Friday (or Monday) I will be full time, and salary. $26,000 a month! Health insurance is provided at no cost. I am overjoyed. That's a lot of money and I will be able to live on that without a problem. It's a dream come true. I asked my stepdad how much gets taken out for taxes claiming 1 so I can be prepared to create a solid budget. It's a lot to do within a month and a half but I am equal to the task. Definitely want to make this happen. I found a cute, cozy little studio that I want to get for sure. Just need to schedule a viewing, already spoke with the agent via email. The place is $700 a month with utilities included. So my budget would be, with that is listed here.

Chris' Monthly Budget:
Rent w/Utilities: 700
Child Support: 290
Groceries: 200
Transportation: 110
Comcast High Speed Internet & TV: 100
=$1400 per month
$1900 per month net
=$500 per month saved

Not bad, eh? :) I will confirm the numbers with my stepdad and start saving. Really look in depth at what I will need for my place and Comcast. Going to go home on the El and get to Jewel, then go home. Will write more later! Trying to write every day but you know how it is.

Planning,
Chris

Dear Journal,

I will have my life back. Note the will, because it's not an if. Getting my apartment as of January 1st. I should have full time as of Friday, which is excellent. Brian said yesterday early that it looked like it would be mid December, which crushed me but I put on a game face. He said later that it's looking like Friday it will be full time. I'm absolutely, totally happy with it. He says that it will be chaotic the first month or so, but I'm ready. I will wade through the chaos like a Samurai enjoying a battle.

I saw the most beautiful video. Almost made me cry. Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me". She is a feast for the ears and eyes. But alas. I'm going to go relax and make my Death Knight. How fitting :). I'm back, baby!

Grin,
Chris

Dear Journal,

I'm sorry it's been a few days since I've written. Drank way too much the last few nights. Work has been wonderful! The new scanner arrived today and I love it. It's wicked fast. Brian said that I should be full time no later than December 1st, and probably salary! That is awesome, considering I've never had a job like that. I never thought I would either. I love Fred for making this happen. I love my job and my office. By January 1st, I'll be looking for my own apartment :).

Going to treat myself to a 16GB ipod touch within a month. Will help with the commute, meditation music for sleeping, games, and all around fun. After that, it's all into savings. I'm starting to see that life can be a good thing, all I needed was a leg up and a chance. Then I will fix my mental issues and truly be a complete person. Gina said that you don't know yourself sometimes until late 20's, and she's right. While I love and miss her, the sting abates in time.

I'm going to look up ipod hacks and have some fun. Have a drink in moderation and relax, make it an early evening. Look up Bluetooth headphones, those look awesome. Will write more tomorrow!

Sleepy,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Good Morning! I finished my breakfast at McDonald's, havent had an Egg McMuffin in ages and I'm sooo happy I stopped in. Coffee I'm still nursing as it's scalding hot. Just waiting to get to work. Looking forward to my second day, not so nervous, just a little. Have this wierd lump on the side of my left cheek on the inside which freaks me out a little. I'll give it a few days. Not much can be done until i get insurance, although I hope it doesn't come to that.

I miss Livvy. Sent her a nice message last night and I will lay low for a while. Give her time to think and that gives me time to plan. I hope today is a very short day like Brian was saying, maybe 3 hours at most. Might go to the Harold Washington Library for a bit if so. I'm off for now, going to go over a list and head to work, get my security badge set up.

Excited,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Yesterday was all about the yes. I did great at my job, I love the people there, and my dad has his office there. I am stoked! Brian was so nice to me. I get full time on the 16th. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be working and being paid well. I will be free! It's like falling in love. I had a great walk and lunch with my stepdad (Dad) and it was great. Showed me the city underground and everything. Impressed me to the max. Sorry I didn't write, had to email Livvy and decompress. Tonight I'll just chill and relax. Will write more tomorrow!

Tired,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Wow. How nervous I am today. My grandpa let me have it this morning, calling me out on being nervous and stressed out. Says I should be confident, and ready for tomorrow, excited. I really am trying, but sometimes trying doesn't do shit. I have to do, or no not. There is no try. Carlene at the library says nervousness is normal the first day, and she gets nervous around the group of kids when she reads to them. I feel better about that, all in all. I will be confident even if I don't feel it. I have to be, because this job means so much to me. It's a brand new life, and I cannot, will not fuck it up. I almost censored that last part, but never again. I am who I am.

Last night was so sad. Olivia basically said that there's just no way we can be together, and that she can't move to Chicago, because of Rhiannon and everything, it's just too much. Said the closer we try to come together the further we push apart. So I am alone now. Truly and sadly, alone. I would say it breaks my heart but that part of me is long broken. Instead, it Disintegrates what was left of my hope. I throw everything good away, and embrace the bad. My life is an unending hell, this repetition of the same. No longer. I accept her feelings on the matter and will strive to become a better me. I have to. The fact that I'm completely alone now is devastating to me. I have to move on now, and kick ass at work so I can be free and have my own home. I can't think of relationships or women. There's no sense in chasing after smoke and shadows. I destroy relationships due to insecurity, false pride, anger and addiction. I will not put anyone through that, ever again. I just wish it was easier to deal with.

I got a haircut today, thanks to my grandpa. I look good too, for me. Less scruffy, like a scruffy looking nerf herder, lol. It will make me more presentable tomorrow. I still have to look up the stuff my stepdad told me to, and be ready. I will try and meditate tonight, it could help. I'll get lots of rest. Downloading the Codex Space Marines for good luck. Although I miss everyone I've left behind, I must honor their memory by succeeding. It's a lot like the story of the Ultramarine's first company, fighting back to back in that last room against the Genestealers. They wiped out all of the bugs but it cost them their lives. I feel like that, except noone has my back, I'm alone in that room.

Scared But Fighting,
Chris

Dear Journal,

My stepdad just called me, I feel much better about everything. I will not be thrown to the wolves, I will be allowed to learn and execute my duties under supervision until I learn how to do my job. It's all very exciting, but stressful. A lot less stressful at the moment. I really value him and taking the time to talk me through it all. I will not fail. This job will become my saving grace, my life's blood. I feel like everything I have done has led me to this point, a major crossroads. It's incredibly exciting and makes me nervous all at the same time! I must be confident!

I will write later, have to go to the bathroom and quiet my mind, play on the computer for a while.

Hopeful,
Chris

Dear Journal,

Every time I look at Maggie my soul sings, then it melts. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. To think someone like that dated ME? It's one of my life's highlights. I will not lie. I want her at my side more than I want anything else in this world. She is so beautiful, and I'm so utterly ugly. It will never happen. But holy hell, she really is incredible. So beautiful, so amazing. Her little girl is lovely too.

I offered to help out wherever I can. I mean that. I'm not trying to win her, I just want to see her succeed. I have faith in her. A lot of faith. And if there's anything I can ever do to make her life better, I'm all over it. This is my vow. As it is said in FFX, "This is my story". Love sucks.

Chris

Dear Journal,

Damn it, damn it all. Got drunk last night, and took a nice letter from Livvy the wrong way, and instead lashed out. My drinking ends tonight. I will not deal with this ever again. I am dishonored. I again, am my own worst enemy. I am so depressed. I just want to rock at this job and get the fuck out. I sent her an apology email, and an IM with the heads up. I own this. This makes me so sad. So very sad. I'm intimidated and worried, but I will own this, this job is mine and so are the spoils. Will write later.

Chris

Dear Journal,

Praise the Goddess and God, I got the job downtown! My Stepdad called this morning, early around 7:30 and gave me the good news. It starts at 32 hours a week, and will go to 40 after the first week most likely. It's full time, and after 90 days medical benefits are included, for free. He told me about the things I need to learn, and it includes FTP, encryption, and a few other things I need to know as much as possible by Friday. I start at 9:30 and work until 5. My normal schedule will be either 8:30-5 or 9-5 every day, Monday-Friday. Weekends off! This is a dream come true. I true blessing of blessings. Never did I think I would actually get this job!

I can be free now. Live and truly be free. Be on my own. Live well, eat well, drink well, have all the things I deserve and need to have a great life. I will be able to save every month, and thrive in my home. I won't have to rely on my grandparents. I won't have to deal with the screaming, yelling, name calling, the noise in the morning, the worrying about my things being gone through, the dealing with her and the awkward socialization involved. I will work very hard to achieve this. I will do whatever it is I can to succeed in this world. I must do my best, and that best will be good enough. I will make my family proud of me as well as my employer.

I am looking to move in January, so less than 2 months ideally. A studio, so expenses will stay down and comfort level maintained. Save every month, at least $400. Ideally $500. It's my dearest wish and greatest goal. I can be free! I feel like a house elf lol :). I'm off to write my lists. Need to go over groceries. Need to make a budget list that I stick to. Find out some decor to use and go from there. Will write more later on my progress!

Ecstatic!
Chris

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I feel, like today I was going nuts. That I want nothing more to hide somewhere warm and special, in solitude, surrounded by comfort. I close my eyes amidst the chaos and see my own private submarine, state of the art and unique in every way, in the Elemental Plane of Water. There are things to explore if I choose to, like the strange, but beautiful vast cavern like area done ancient Greek style, white marble in a square or octagon.

I had to tell my stepdad how tormented I was. He responded with the position looks good and he will know by Monday. I need to get this job, so much relies on it. I want my own place so badly and to be free from this insanity all around me. How amazing it will feel! I made a great starting list for a very basic move-in list. Just need to work on a grocery list, a budget and a plan and I can start saving with intent and purpose. It almost makes me cry to think of it.

I'm almost done downloading one of my favorite movies, Crimson Tide. I love submarines, and sub movies. There's something magical about it. I'll have a few drinks, relax out and have a great evening. Maybe make one of those lists. I love you my journal, I am so thankful to be able to write and express myself.

Warm Feelings Brewing Inside,
Chris